It is not just a photo…..

….It is a lifetime of memories and happiness. This photo was taken in 2018 when we were walking up the Alps on a trip to Montreux for a few days. We flew into Geneva and took the train to Montreux. I am grateful for all these lovely holidays we spent together – just the 2 of us, away from the boys.

We had time to talk about our future, plan our retirement and all the wonderful things we were going to do together and all the places we were going to visit. Throw in an argument for good measure – about him running the orphanage in Brazil and me retiring to a little cottage by the seaside somewhere in England.

This photo was taken on the way down – we found a little shack where a lady was selling coffee and tea. This was a perfect Paul’s day. He was outdoors, walking and always with his trusted pair of binoculars which he took with him everywhere.

I miss his smile, his zest for life. I miss Paul.

Photos are great ways of remembering your past and they are also life's magnifying glasses in the way in they can transport you straight back to a single moment in your past.

I am constantly torn between wanting to trawl through my photos, taking in every inch of any photo with Paul in it and also wanting to avoid them as a way of protecting myself from the unbearable pain they cause.

There are a million unspoken words and conversations we will never have.

I look at photos of the boys when they were much younger and I catch myself wanting to say to Paul, 'hey! remember when this photo was taken?' and wanting to have a whole conversation about that day. I will never be able to reminisce about our early days together, our wedding, our honeymoon, our many many holidays, pregnancies, babies, toddlers, tantrums, arguments - those memories we made were just ours alone. and now they are left with me without repeated conversations over the years to keep them alive.