Another post after a long silence….
I can’t lie about it. Life is too hectic, stressful and downright shit. I find myself constantly having to choose from a list as long as my arm (perhaps not my short-arsed arm…) and always feeling guilty about the things I haven’t been able to do/finish/accomplish.
And these are just the practical ‘to-do’ like work, meetings, cooking, cleaning, driving kids around etc. I can’t even list the things that take up mental and emotional space. I try to but end up staring at a blank piece of paper.
A few weeks ago, I could sense that things were getting worse in general mentally. I could see the signs. I changed my privacy setting on Whatsapp as I didn’t need the added pressure of having to reply to people immediately. It was easier than having to constantly explain to people why I didn’t reply sooner. I chose to chat with people who were good for my soul (and the ruddy children who would ask when dinner was ready or when they needed a lift).
I spoke to someone close a few days ago and they said ‘good to hear you are coping ok’. I didn’t know whether to take that as a compliment or punch him in the face. I don’t want to be ‘coping ok’. I want to be ok; I want to be able to relax; I want to be able to look at a blank sheet of paper with nothing to do – even just for a few days.
A lot has been happening in our lives which I have chosen not to share in my blog to protect my precious family. When I was able to write freely, it was therapeutic and comforting – having put my hurt and thoughts into words. I can’t even do that now.
I worry about our future; I worry about my beautiful boys who are still struggling to cope; struggling to find their new normal. Teenage boys at the best of times struggle through puberty, adolescence and everything in between; for my boys to go through this without the person they need the most at this point in their lives is cruel.
Someone said ‘sweet dreams’ to me last night and I willed that to be true. And it came true. It was bittersweet. Paul was in my dreams; in our bedroom. During hot summer nights, he had a habit of moving a mattress right under the window and sleeping there with the cool air on his face. That’s where I saw him last night; in flesh and blood; as clear as day. I remember trying to scream to everyone at the top of my voice that he’s back. I woke up with the scream stuck in my throat and raw pain that I hadn’t felt in a while. Perhaps I shouldn’t wish for sweet dreams.
Gina asked me what I am doing for myself – me time. I laughed as I don’t even have time to do the things I need to do, let alone have the luxury of ‘me time’. But I know she’s right. I need to find some time for myself, to look after myself. I reconnected with Ben Chibnall, my old PT earlier today. Perhaps it is time to pull my finger out and focus on myself for a change.
Next academic year is going to be tougher than ever, with Andrew doing GCSE and Harry doing A level and applying to Oxford. I am panicking that I am running out of time before the kids fly the nest one by one. I want to cram so much in, especially holidays. I am starting to worry about what next once both the boys leave home. What next for me? I love my job but is that all there’s going to be for me? I don’t know what the future holds but it sure is a scary one and unsettling one.
Clare said the other day ‘put on your actor face and face the world’! She knows me so well. My actor face is on most of the time; even when I’m on the phone or texting. But I’m just starting to get fed up with it all. When I’m on my own with my own thoughts and feelings, life is unbelievably bleak but going at a million miles an hour. The boys keep me on my toes and so I get very little time to wallow in self-pity. Driving lessons, buying a new car for Harry, driving Andrew to and from his girlfriend’s, EPQ, university open day visits, school run, activity runs – the list goes on. As I look back on this list, it is all about the boys….What is there for me? Time will tell, I hope.
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