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  • Sudha

Busy busy busy

This is becoming a habit. Long bouts of not posting anything and then coming with a string of reasons and excuses.

Well….the pattern continues.

I have been busy; very busy. The hamster wheel is spinning faster and faster and I am struggling to stay on it. I have so much to write about and every single day I think of a topic. I construct the skeleton post in my head and then decide to write it at night after the boys have gone to bed. If only! I’m in bed snoring way before the boys these days.

I want to write about how much I miss my best friend and husband every day. I want to write about the many moments when I ache for him; about the loneliness I cannot explain in any language; about the many hours Andrew spends alone in his room, in painful silence; about the times Harry explodes in inexplicable anger at the smallest trigger….the list goes on.

I also want to write about the social construct that exists and changes around someone who has lost their husband/wife; about the change in language one uses and how hard it still is for me to use the past tense when referring to Paul; I still say our house, our boys, our bedroom, our bed; I continue to sleep on my side of the bed and his side is still empty.

I have a long list of people I want to write about – friends who have supported me and helped me in so many ways; I have a special post in my head for Gaddesden Row – the village which I have called home for the last 20 years and which has been my comfort blanket and safety net. If the trees and the grass and the birds around this village could speak, they would be saying that Paul is here. This was his home – a place he could finally call home and lay down roots for the first time in his life.

I have taken this week off to catchup on chores, paperwork and finances and also to spend some chilled time with the boys. I made a to-do list at the start of the weekend and was ambitious about ticking off as much as possible. But, best laid plans and all that!!

For today, I am going to continue from my last post – my birthday celebrations. I had a lot of friends ask me about what I did with the boys – what we did as a family.

Well….the boys surprised me with a lot of pressies…..I had told them that I would like useful things. So, Harry bought me a new TV to replace the 20-year-old one in the kitchen and Andrew bought me tons of kitchen gadgets. We went to the Ivy for dinner and I’d booked a table for 3. The boys wore suits and it was simply lovely to see that they’d made an effort. We walked in and were ushered to a table for 4. The waitress came, smiled and said, ‘would you like to order drinks while you are waiting for the 4th person to join?’. I can still remember the stunned silence when none of us knew what to say – it was only a second, but it felt like an eternity. We quickly recovered and I feared that it would set the tone for the evening, but thankfully it didn’t. We had a lovely and warm evening together as a family – it felt like a tight family unit after a long time. It will never be the same, but I realised that evening that we need to form new happy memories as a family of 3; experience different things as a family of 3.

Andrew sat next to me and rested his head on my shoulders as the evening progressed. It felt like he was this little boy again who needs a cuddle from his mum. Harry sat opposite me sipping his espresso martini – looking all grown up.

Since that day in September, both the boys have had their birthdays; Harry turning 17 and Andrew turning 15. My work is busier than ever with a couple more projects added to my portfolio and a new one coming soon. But it is ‘good’ busy. It keeps my grey cells (Poirot style) ticking and gives me a sense of purpose in life – to provide for our boys.

Talking about grey cells, I experienced ‘brain fog’ a few months ago and it was the last straw that made me go to the doctor and talk about the M word. Yes! Menopause!! I have started on HRT patch – although it is too early to tell. It is a 7-day patch, but it isn’t staying on for more than 2/3 days?!! What’s that about?

I have spent the day going through paperwork that I haven’t looked at for 2 years. Things that triggered the pain and the tears; papers with Paul’s handwriting; letters sent to Paul; blls and invoices I want to talk to Paul about, because while I technically paid all bills, he knew about them and we would talk about the bill (why it is too much, what was it last time, we must change providers etc). Now, I have no one to have these mundane conversations with. These unspoken words stay inside me stuck in my throat as I try and remember Paul’s voice asking me to snap out of this melodrama and get on with the mess that I call 'sorting out paperwork'!

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