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  • Sudha

A long silence

Went to the village Quiz Night tonight. I was dreading the run up to it but I did it. Every quiz night we've gone together - Paul, me, Clare, Steve, Michelle, Michelle's Paul and Maurice - every single village quiz night, it has been the 7 of us. I laughed, I drank, I cracked jokes and was loud - on the outside. Inside I was crying; I was crying for the one person who would have made all the laughs real. I was hoping if you slap a smile on and force yourself to go, you'll be fine. I was fine. I shared some of Paul's photos with Michelle and I felt like he was there with us.

But I haven't been fine for a few months and the first thing to stop were things like the blog. Things haven't been great. Menopause played a part. It is nice to carry your own central heating with you but when it is a package deal with brain fog, fuzzy head and irritability to name a few the central heating isn't exciting. Bloody Menopause!

The boys are also changing right in front of my eyes in many many ways and I am struggling to cope with the intensity of it all. I feel like I have to be the bad cop most of the time if I am to be a good parent. The good cop isn't here and the boys don't have that balance and the fall back; they don't have the good cop who makes it all ok. So they find their own mechanism to cope with the stress; and they aren't always the most sensible coping mechanisms; this causes an infinite loop of stress which has the potential to easily spiral out of control.

I take solace in work - one because I enjoy it and two because it gives me structure. However stressful work is, I am managing to cope with it all. I am lucky that it is flexible and I have an amazing and understanding leadership team. Winning an award at work last month has boosted my confidence. Most of my working life, I have worked with Paul and working on my own has been tough - I don't have that person to chat to about all the ups and downs at work. I do talk to him and I still have my monologues with him.

I promised myself that before the end of April, I will write a post and break the long silence. I am hoping that once my hormones settle down and I get a permanent fix for the menopause, I will be on a more even keel and get back to posting regularly. Trust me, I have SO much to write about. I have many drafts which I haven't had the time or the energy to complete. I miss writing regularly as I have found it very cathartic; it is MY time to clear my head and make sense of it all.

I am glad I have fought against tiredness and the effects of Prosecco (I blame Michelle) and have written this post. Here's hoping I have broken the long silence and I am back here more regularly.

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